when is a penis not a penis

When it's in a romance novel. A friend who is former editor for a romance publisher, informs me that words like "penis" and "cock" are redlined in manuscripts because the terms are considered too unromantic. (Interestingly, erection is allowed, but only two "erections" are permitted per novel.)

In case you ever decide to switch to the kind of copywriting that generates $1.52 billion a year, here's a list of acceptable euphemisms:

proof of his manhood
raging beast of his desire
tumult of his love
raging monster of his lust
love tool
his hardness
turgid shaft
manroot
unsheathed sword
the hard length of him
pillar of manhood
tallywacker
pike
rod
throbbing member
privy member
evidence of his masculinity
and (my personal favorite) the bald avenger

Of course, even in romance novels, manroots aren't always in action. When not "throbbing in her love grotto", a penis may be described as "a swaying promise of future delight."

be more green

Today, I went to a lecture that was held, because of space shortage, in a pre-school classroom. The classroom was green and called (duh) The Green Room. Green Room Rules were printed in large block, unmissable letters on a wall and the more I sat there and read them, the more I thought they should be posted in ad agencies, too:

1. Don't push, hit, bite or kick.

2. Use your words.

3. Be gentle with others.

4. One person talks at a time

5. No name calling.

6. When you are inside, use your inside voice. Save your outside voice for outside.

7. No cutting in line.