when is a penis not a penis

When it's in a romance novel. A friend who is former editor for a romance publisher, informs me that words like "penis" and "cock" are redlined in manuscripts because the terms are considered too unromantic. (Interestingly, erection is allowed, but only two "erections" are permitted per novel.)

In case you ever decide to switch to the kind of copywriting that generates $1.52 billion a year, here's a list of acceptable euphemisms:

proof of his manhood
raging beast of his desire
tumult of his love
raging monster of his lust
love tool
his hardness
turgid shaft
manroot
unsheathed sword
the hard length of him
pillar of manhood
tallywacker
pike
rod
throbbing member
privy member
evidence of his masculinity
and (my personal favorite) the bald avenger

Of course, even in romance novels, manroots aren't always in action. When not "throbbing in her love grotto", a penis may be described as "a swaying promise of future delight."

Swedish soldiers want penis back

Nordic military men are in a huff because the lion on their coat of arms was castrated. The emasculation was first said to be the result of pressure by female soldiers, but this rumor proved false. Turns out the Commander in Chief of the Nordic Battlegroup himself gave the lion the snip because, proving that even military men can be sensitive types, he doesn't consider the male appendage an appropriate symbol for his troops to wear into battle--too many civilian women sexually abused in war zones. A military artist was dismayed by what he called the Commander's lack of historical awareness. In former times, the artist said, lions without genitalia were used on coats of arms reserved for traitors. If size of the lion's member was an issue, he explained, “we could have made the dimensions a bit smaller. Once we created a similar symbol for another client-Swedish Customs and [when they objected] we just shrank the organ.” (Thanks, DKR, for the link.)

Speaking of miniature male genitalia, a friend alerts me to a product that’s all the rage in LA: a plug for the L’il Fountain to keep parents of Valley Boys dry during diaper changes.